Denial

I dream nightly
of the worst things
that can happen.

I am an actor
and I have
rehearsed my part
many times with
a patience that springs
from a life
of the worst.

Once the worst has happened
you can never be surprised again.

I practice what will happen
when you die so that I
will not be surprised.

I have buried you
an infinite number of times
and still, when I see you
sleeping peacefully
I am forced to confront
the idea that I can
not practice for
the worst.

You ask me why
I am weeping
and I can not
share with you
this fatalism
that you will
die and I
will be
alone
again
forever.

I can not
tell you because I
can not admit
that I try to
barricade myself from
the worst. I can not
admit that I practiced
my mother's death for
years before it ever happened.

It did not help. I could not
conceive of a life without her
just as I can not conceive a
life without you.

Still still still
I practice I rehearse
I do not want the
rawness of grief to
shock me, swamp me,
destroy me.

I do not remember
how to be alone and
I fear that when you
die I will come apart
from the aloneness.

Can we be forever
as we are now
together young
and unblemished
together
striding forward and
not alone?