Just Killing Time

Aren't you tired yet?
It's a lot of work
being you and
being me.

Can we rest now?
Take a break
from all the
chaos.

More and more
it seems like we're
just killing time
softly slowly
putting in the
hours it takes
just enough effort
to squeak by
without strain
without having
to deal.

I know the
joy of life is in
the struggle
but sometimes
the burden
is unbearable.

Sometimes it takes
everything we have
to get up get moving
get through the day.

Let's take a break from
life, just you and me.
We'll lay back, relax
into the emptiness
and just not be
for awhile.

Aren't you tired yet?

Singular

It's late and I'm beat
stroking gently, fingers
sliding through the wet

hot and humid, slightly sticky
twirling around and around
spot on sometimes but not
too much

moaning, pleading
make me beg, stopping
just long enough to tease
getting nervous that it
might be over

I'm working for it
reaching for it
legs stiff
body shaking
If I'm lucky
I've got salty
sticky boy cum there
It always feels better with
your cum.

Fingers sliding in and out
around and underneath

Mmm, got it
hot and hazy
slippery and supple
dissolving and coalescing

You said jacking off
wasn't fun anymore.

You lied.

Back

Sometimes I think

Sometimes I think you come

Sometimes I think you come back

Sometimes I think you come back
to tease me. Taunt me with the taste of
you.

The taste of you intoxicates me
worms it's way inside me like an
ice-cream headache, pleasure
so intense it's painful.

Got The Shakes

So full up with it
you're quivering-

you stare at me
inscrutable
flinching because
I don't know what it
is I've done
forgot to do

I smile
attempting mystery
never quite sure if I succeed.

I want to be
alluring and mysterious
I'd like to be bright female
sexuality and power.

Your glare
tells me I've missed again.
I start to shake, craving
what comes next.

Blood and breath
fucking and hating
loving you for it
Damn you to hell
I love you for it.

Happy

I'm terrified
We're becoming normal
Seeking happiness
Settling down
Settling in
Settling

Remember being angry all the time? Flying for days on end, fueled by caffeine and rage stopping to smoke, fuck, bleed, evade, feel? When was the last time you felt rage? I don't remember anymore being mad enough to kill. Happiness is poison. It numbs the emotions, leaves you sleepy and dopey. It makes you prey, not predator. I don't want to be happy anymore. I want to hate, to hurt, to destroy. I can't figure out how to hide from normal.

Fuck Risk

I don't like to take risks
I won't share my coffee
I hate backseat drivers

Little things like that
make me and drive
you to distraction

(You'll have to drive alone. I hate riding with you.)

I want lower expectations
and less emotional
boo-boos to kiss.

Make the focus
softer the light
less moody
European soft-porn
has less angst than
our life together
not everything is earthshaking
(orgasms should always be)

Stand apart from me
be distant
and dark
the way you were when we
met Don't try to
push into me
I'm secretive
and mean

I admire people
with secrets
and busy schedules
Always available
makes me crazy
I don't want to
be always available

Be mysterious
Be moody
Be somebody else sometimes.
Be crazy with me.

Today

Don't ask me
for help
or instructions

I don't want to talk today.

Don't tell me you
love me, that I'm funny
and smart.

I don't need reassurances today.

Don't prattle on with your
half-feigned martyr's sigh
about your schedule or
your problems.

I don't care today.

Today I'm invisible
silent and deadly. I'm soft
and sleepy, and feeling
self-indulgent.

Today I don't belong to you.

Hiding From The Rage

I spend a lot of time
Hiding From The Rage.

My old scars are
Shiny and new now
I ball my rage up
Into something bright and
Hard.

I tuck it away
In the dark where
No one can see it
Where I can fondle it
and gorge myself on it.

My rage is more satisfying
Than any lover
It quiets my impulse
To damage me you him her them.

Amo Amos Amat
Fuck love
Fuck me
Until the rage
Is spent

Until we're broken
Bleeding dead
Dying to tell you

It'll be okay
It's always okay
I make it okay for you.

Okay for you for me
But I don't trust you
With my rage-

Not anymore.
Our okay is too fragile
For rage for fear for doubt.

So stay away from my rage
It's mine, only mine
Pure and untouched
Molded by you and
Every other fucker who
Couldn't handle it.
Men and women who
Spend their days
Hiding from the rage.

Nostalgia

You're fucking her again
skin slick hands rough
smelling of booze
decadent and dangerous

I hate this
I hate that
you're touching her
when you should be
touching me

I never had claim
and even if I did
it lapsed forever ago

I wouldn't even mind
if it was an also
and not an instead of

Damn it but I miss you
Life gets hard
the bed gets cold
even with somebody in it

I prattle about sex not meaning
anything and mostly it doesn't
not when fucking is just bodies

But you had more than just my body
and fuck me I want what I gave you
back. When you left you took my
secret self with you.

I've been there all the time
curled inside you hoping
you'd notice me touch me
again so I could spring
forth and be branded
skin slick hands rough
decadent and dangerous
with you one more time

Drawing A Line

At some point
along the way

I drew a line
between me and
you

I pamper you
pander to you
make your coffee
make your bed

I don't know you
you never knew me

I hid from everyone
but him
but you never saw
what he saw

You bought the goods
in the window and
never bothered
to inspect them

The chinks in my
armor were vast
Purposefully blind
you gazed through me
happy with the fiction

I love you for
the fiction

I hate you for
the fiction

I want to be
weak sometimes
soft sometimes
boring sometimes
tired sometimes

I'm not allowed
It isn't in the
script

We play our
parts now
and in
twenty years

maybe we'll
still play
maybe we
won't even
speak anymore

Once
A long time ago
I drew a line
between me
and you

You never saw it
and I refuse to
cross it

Playing Tag
and I'm safe
behind the line

Dysfunction

Stuck in a small body
confined for an endless
age Never able to move
or breathe or really
streeeeeeetch out
and just be

Too many:
places to go
people to see
things to do
goals to accomplish

But those are better
far better than not
going anywhere
meeting anyone
doing anything
better than failing
failing to be do see

There is a world
an eon an epoch
of hope and
expectation
confined in this
one small body
An entire family
line come down
to this small
frail form

Be
Do
See
for those who can
no longer

Feel them press
onto you the
combined weight
of an entire family
on shoulders barely
strong enough to carry
your own weight

Be
Do
See for
us all and remember
remember who you are
who we were what
must come from this

I do. I never forget. I can't.

Helpless

Words fail
words falter
People fail
people falter

we drop our burdens
leave our job
half-done
racing ahead to
reach for the
golden ring
the promise
of a day
a week
a life off

death is
the ultimate
vacation
the only
real way
to escape our
duties and finally
irrevocably
relax.

we leave behind
others to pick up
our burdens
to finish our
jobs. perhaps
the only redeeming
quality of the human
race comes in that.
there will always be
someone to take up
the standard where
it was dropped in our
headlong dash to reach
the finish line.

Stolen

luxiuriating in a sunny
morning, a hot cuppa
coffee, and a good book
I am sinning against
the Protestant work
ethic.
guilty pleasures
are the most fun
a stolen kiss
when the baby is busy
a movie in the afternoon
all by myself
to deviate
even if for a minute
from the relentless pressure
of duty, of responsibilty
of being an adult
just for a stolen second
to be carefree and reckless
surely ranks up there with
the seven deadly.
but laying back in my
stolen moment, I
don't give a damn.

About

I hate when you can't find the point of a blog anywhere. No description, no raison d'etre, just a bunch of words on a page. This is my secret writing page. Most of what I write comes from my life and as I enjoy having people in my life, I have to have an out of the way place to put this stuff. Love, loathe it, whatever.